Local Man Discovers He Has Been 'Networking' Wrong for 12 Years
Derek Paulson, 34, of Glendale, California, announced Tuesday that he has spent the last twelve years attending networking events under the mistaken impression that the goal was to meet people.
"I thought you were supposed to have conversations," said Paulson, visibly shaken. "Like, actual conversations. About things. I've been doing it completely wrong."
Paulson made the discovery after attending a professional development seminar titled "Networking That Works: How to Collect 47 Business Cards in 90 Minutes Without Making Eye Contact." The seminar, which cost $299 and included a continental breakfast, revealed that networking is not about human connection but about the strategic deployment of your personal brand narrative to maximize LinkedIn connection velocity.
The Revelation
"The instructor said the goal is to leave every conversation within 90 seconds," Paulson told reporters. "I've been having conversations that lasted up to twenty minutes. Some of them were interesting. I think I've been wasting everyone's time."
Paulson recalled a networking event in 2019 where he spent forty-five minutes talking to a woman named Carol about her experience restoring vintage motorcycles. "I thought that was a good conversation," he said. "Carol and I are still friends. I see her at her shop sometimes. I didn't realize I was supposed to have given her my card and moved on."
The content culture around professional networking has been evolving rapidly, with experts now recommending that attendees prepare a 30-second "value proposition statement" that communicates their professional brand without the distraction of personality.
Industry Response
Networking professionals have praised Paulson's willingness to confront his mistakes. "Derek is a cautionary tale," said Marcus Webb, founder of NetworkingMaximizer Pro. "Twelve years of genuine human connection. Think of all the synergies he missed."
Webb's firm offers a 6-week course called "Depersonalization for Professionals" that teaches attendees to maintain eye contact while mentally categorizing the person in front of them by their LinkedIn follower count.
The Wicked Youth generation has largely rejected traditional networking in favor of what they call "just talking to people," a practice that industry experts warn is inefficient and difficult to quantify.
Paulson's Next Steps
Paulson says he plans to attend a networking event next month with his new approach. "I'm going to give everyone my card within the first thirty seconds and then excuse myself to find someone more strategically valuable," he said. "I'm going to be terrible at it. But at least I'll be doing it right."
Carol, reached for comment, said she hopes Derek is doing okay and that the motorcycle he was thinking about buying would probably need new brake lines.
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