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PASADENA — Local man Derek Paulson, 36, successfully completed his entire morning routine on Thursday without once checking his phone, sources confirmed, adding that he has no idea what to do now.

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Derek Paulson, 34, of Glendale, California, announced Tuesday that he has spent the last twelve years attending networking events under the mistaken impression that the goal was to meet people.

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In a landmark decision that legal scholars are calling 'unprecedented' and 'probably not legally binding,' the Millbrook City Council voted 7-2 Tuesday to permanently ban the word 'synergy' from all official municipal communications.

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