Satire for people who see the thing

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Key Cards Lingering Past Checkout
Key Cards Lingering Past Checkout

Expired hotel key cards stay tucked away, their bent edges and faded stripes marking routes through lobbies that no longer recognize them.

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Suitcase Wheels in Hotel Elevators
Suitcase Wheels in Hotel Elevators

In hotel elevators from Bangkok to Berlin, the placement of suitcase wheels creates small patterns. Travelers adjust them without comment. Each shift changes how the doors close and which floors get p

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Tech Company Launches 'Authentic Human Connection' Feature Requiring Premium Subscription
Tech Company Launches 'Authentic Human Connection' Feature Requiring Premium Subscription

Tech Company Launches 'Authentic Human Connection' Feature Requiring Premium Subscription One Tuesday morning in late October the announcement arrived in inboxes worldwide. A major platform

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Local Startup Disrupts Disruption With New Disruption Platform
Local Startup Disrupts Disruption With New Disruption Platform

SAN FRANCISCO — Local startup Disruptly announced today the launch of its flagship product, DisruptOS, a platform designed to disrupt the disruption industry by providing enterprise-grade disruption...

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Productivity App Launches 'Intentional Distraction' Mode for Users Who Cannot Focus Without Guilt
Productivity App Launches 'Intentional Distraction' Mode for Users Who Cannot Focus Without Guilt

Productivity App Launches 'Intentional Distraction' Mode for Users Who Cannot Focus Without Guilt PALO ALTO — Productivity software company Focusly announced Tuesday the launch of its new "Intentional

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Wellness App Launches 'Intentional Scrolling' Feature for People Who Cannot Stop
Wellness App Launches 'Intentional Scrolling' Feature for People Who Cannot Stop

wellness app launches 'intentional scrolling' feature for people who can't stop

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Local Startup Disrupts Industry by Doing the Thing the Industry Already Did
Local Startup Disrupts Industry by Doing the Thing the Industry Already Did

The Press Release SAN FRANCISCO — Nexus Dynamics, a technology company, announced today the launch of its groundbreaking new platform, which allows users to share information with other users in real...

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Tech Company Announces 'Human-Centered' Layoffs, Provides Emotional Support Chatbot
Tech Company Announces 'Human-Centered' Layoffs, Provides Emotional Support Chatbot

Employees Describe Chatbot as "Surprisingly Judgmental" SynthCore Technologies announced Tuesday that it would be eliminating 2,400 positions as part of a "human-centered restructuring initiative"

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Local Coffee Shop Introduces Mindful Pricing, Baristas Quit
Local Coffee Shop Introduces Mindful Pricing, Baristas Quit

PORTLAND, OR — A local coffee shop announced this week the launch of its "Mindful Pricing" initiative, in which customers are invited to pay whatever amount they feel accurately reflects the value of...

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Local Man Discovers 'Networking' Is Just Talking to People, Horrified
Local Man Discovers 'Networking' Is Just Talking to People, Horrified

Greg Halvorsen attends a mixer, expects professional rituals, and finds only ordinary talk about coffee, traffic, and local mechanics instead.

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Area Man Achieves Work-Life Balance by Removing Both
Area Man Achieves Work-Life Balance by Removing Both

PORTLAND, OR — Local man Derek Haines, 34, announced Tuesday that he has finally achieved the elusive work-life balance that productivity experts have been promising for decades, primarily by...

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Wellness Brand Launches 'Authentic Burnout' Candle Line for People Who Are Too Tired to Pretend
Wellness Brand Launches 'Authentic Burnout' Candle Line for People Who Are Too Tired to Pretend

The new 'Authentic Burnout' collection features scents like 'Inbox Zero (Impossible),' 'Deadline Lavender,' and 'The Meeting That Could Have Been an Email.'

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Nation's Productivity Apps Report Record Usage While Nation Reports Record Inability to Do Anything
Nation's Productivity Apps Report Record Usage While Nation Reports Record Inability to Do Anything

Productivity app downloads reached an all-time high while the average American completed 1.3 tasks per day, down from 1.7 in 2019. The apps, for their part, are thriving.

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Tech Company Announces AI That Can Tell You What You Already Know
Tech Company Announces AI That Can Tell You What You Already Know

A man in a gray hoodie stood on stage and clicked through slides showing an app interface. The screen displayed a text box where users typed their daily routines. Below it, the output appeared in clea

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Local Man Discovers Work-Life Balance Is Just Two Jobs
Local Man Discovers Work-Life Balance Is Just Two Jobs

PORTLAND, OR — Local man Derek Finch, 34, announced Tuesday that he has finally achieved work-life balance after realizing that his side hustle counts as 'life' and his main job counts as 'work.'

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Productivity Guru Announces He Has Finally Optimized His Morning Routine to Begin at 3:47 AM
Productivity Guru Announces He Has Finally Optimized His Morning Routine to Begin at 3:47 AM

Productivity guru announces he has optimized his morning routine to begin at 3:47 AM, shaving thirteen critical minutes off his previous record and positioning himself to 'dominate the pre-dawn hours.'

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New App Solves Problem of Having Too Many Apps by Adding Another App
New App Solves Problem of Having Too Many Apps by Adding Another App

A local startup has solved the problem of having too many apps by releasing a new app that consolidates all your other apps into one app, which you download alongside your existing apps.

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Local Startup Disrupts Silence With AI That Tells You What You're Feeling
Local Startup Disrupts Silence With AI That Tells You What You're Feeling

SAN FRANCISCO — A local startup announced today that it has solved the problem of not knowing what you're feeling by building an AI that tells you.

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Tech Company Solves Loneliness With $29/Month Premium Connection Plan
Tech Company Solves Loneliness With $29/Month Premium Connection Plan

SAN FRANCISCO — Connectivity Solutions startup Bondr announced Tuesday the launch of its Premium Connection Plan, a $29-per-month subscription service that the company says will "definitively solve...

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City Launches 'Authentic Local Experience' App That Recommends Chain Restaurants
City Launches 'Authentic Local Experience' App That Recommends Chain Restaurants

The App That Promises Authenticity The city of Portland, Oregon has launched a new tourism app called LocalReal, which uses machine learning to identify 'authentic local experiences' and guide...

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Wellness App Adds 'Guilt-Free Mode' That Is Just the Regular App
Wellness App Adds 'Guilt-Free Mode' That Is Just the Regular App

The app, which previously made you feel bad about not using it, now has a special mode where it makes you feel bad about not using it but with a softer notification tone.

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Local Wellness Brand Announces It Has Always Been About Community
Local Wellness Brand Announces It Has Always Been About Community

The brand, which sells $68 adaptogen powder, announced Tuesday that it has always been fundamentally about connection, not product.

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Tech Company Introduces 'Mindful Disruption' Framework to Disrupt Mindfully
Tech Company Introduces 'Mindful Disruption' Framework to Disrupt Mindfully

PALO ALTO — Productivity software company Nexus Dynamics announced Tuesday the launch of its new Mindful Disruption™ Framework, a proprietary methodology designed to help organizations disrupt their...

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Brand Announces It Has Always Cared About This
Brand Announces It Has Always Cared About This

A major consumer brand announced this week that it has always, deeply, and authentically cared about the thing that is currently important to care about. The announcement, which came in the form of a...

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Company Hires Chief Authenticity Officer to Ensure Authentic Authenticity
Company Hires Chief Authenticity Officer to Ensure Authentic Authenticity

A mid-sized technology company announced this week the appointment of its first Chief Authenticity Officer, a newly created C-suite position responsible for ensuring that the company's...

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Area Man Discovers 'Passion Project' Was Just Procrastination With Better Branding
Area Man Discovers 'Passion Project' Was Just Procrastination With Better Branding

A Spoof Daily Investigation PORTLAND, OR — Local graphic designer and part-time "creative entrepreneur" Marcus Webb, 34, announced Tuesday that he has made a startling discovery about the nature of...

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Local Man Achieves Work-Life Balance by Removing Both
Local Man Achieves Work-Life Balance by Removing Both

He eliminated all non-essential activities. Then he eliminated the essential ones. He reports feeling very optimized.

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Area Man Discovers 'Passion Project' Was Just Procrastination With Better Branding
Area Man Discovers 'Passion Project' Was Just Procrastination With Better Branding

Area Man Discovers 'Passion Project' Was Just Procrastination With Better Branding. The satirical gap between calling something a passion project and actually doing it

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Local Startup Pivots to 'Authentic Authenticity' After Authenticity Becomes a Brand
Local Startup Pivots to 'Authentic Authenticity' After Authenticity Becomes a Brand

The company's new tagline is 'Genuinely Real.' Their PR firm spent three months on it.

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Doing Nothing Is Now a Premium Product (And We Bought It)
Doing Nothing Is Now a Premium Product (And We Bought It)

The wellness industry has successfully monetized the act of sitting quietly. The premium version includes a guided audio track and a $40 candle. We are all complicit.

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